1. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
2. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
3. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.
4. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
5. Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you. (My Favourite)
6. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
7. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
8. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
9. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
10.People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
11.If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
12.When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
13.When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
14.Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
15.Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.
16.During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition
17.As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
18.The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
19.Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
20.Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
Have reduced it to twenty all the rest are in the comments for you to read
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9 comments:
OMG the longest post ever and none of it means anything to me cos i don't watch 24 :(
loser, go out this bank holiday weekend and get them and watch them!!!!
I agree with amy, not really funny and more sadder than my lost posts which is bad enough ;o)
and this has been done with chuck norris too
a link to the site would be better! :D
Ok after reading some they are funny
i read them all! hahaha loved it :D
but link next time ;)
were over about six sites so had to cut and paste them all into one
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
It's no use crying over spilt milk ... unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh, you are so screwed.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way, but faster with more deaths
In poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always
Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.
GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure
When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down
Jack Bauer's saliva is bullet-proof
Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists
Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day
Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds
Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk (funny due to the bad tatse)
Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant
If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don't want to see what he's about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you're about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you've ever seen.
During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition
Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins, sometime he forgets the knife but it still does not matter.
In chess, Jack Bauer can checkmate you in 1 move.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars
If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
While being 'put under' in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would be no Lost
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked"
You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
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